The number four has always been special to me – my lucky number, maybe. So this birthday – 44 – has felt like a good one. Mostly. And then, there is Relentless Anxiety that lives in my head and scares me with questions about how many more birthdays I might get and what awful things could happen over the course of this next year.
So, it was rather beautiful to wake up from a bad dream on the morning of my birthday. I don’t remember what the dream was about, only that I was terrified and things seemed hopeless, when in the middle of that desperate place, I heard a small voice inside my head repeating over and over again, “I trust you, God. I trust you, God. I trust you, God.” And, inside my dream, I joined that voice, quietly in my thoughts. Then I was chanting it out loud to myself with more and more conviction, until I was focused only on those words and that voice – and suddenly I was flooded with complete peace. And I woke up, taking those rootwords – and that peaceful feeling of surrender and trust – into this birthday, into this year: I trust you, God. I trust you, God. I trust you, God.